Fear and Beyond


I haven't written in a while, not because I have nothing to say, I have lots to say. Tons of thoughts that are milling around in my head  waiting for an audience to share them with. No  I haven't written more because I have nothing to write. Or rather the words and thoughts  that are waiting to be shared so elequontly   vanish when they reach the paper leaving me  staring at the vast amount of empty and white space that I have to fill.
There are times when I feel I can write novels - literally write great novels that have high literacy great emotional content in hours. When hand,  ink and paper flow beautifully together with perfect beauty, balance and harmony. Everything works together in cohesion, congruency and consistency. Tinkers  to Evers to Chance. Triple play. Then there are those times when the the white space seems unconquerable, endless and choppy. Those times when nothing flows, nothing goes and I feel uncoordinated, off balance and uncentered can last for long stretches of time. Hours turn into days, days turn into months and I know I should do something other than watching reruns of friends on Netflix, but the mind becomes it's own worst prison, imprisoning  me with " coulda, shoulda, would'ves.
And it is this that I want to focus today's blog on. Social media is rampant with showing off people's best lives. How happy they are and how successful they are. Very few people share their struggles, their fears or their failures. 
So in an attempt to be open, honest and real, I am going to expose my fears, my struggles and my failures. Why? Because it's real. Very real. I wouldn't be real to myself if I didn't talk about them.  It doesn't make for inspired reading, but I'm writing to be real. And reality is having fear, having struggles, and having failures. The question is how we deal with them. So for the next few weeks I'm going to take 3 fears, 3 struggles and 3 failures and open up how I deal.
So my first fear:  I have a very real fear of cats. When I was younger someone told me that hell is guarded by 2 cats. And so everytime I see cats I literally think that my time is up and I'm being told to take the elevator "down" so I deal with this? Ummm. I don't really. I made sure not to have any cats as pets, I make sure not to feed them, touch them or even look at them. It is easier said than done. I live in Israel. Home of mangy, cats. Recently someone told me that cats keep the snake population at bay. And while I don't like cats I detest snakes. So I've changed my perspective and this has allowed me to see cats and thus my fear in a different light.


*I changed my  perspective and my reality changed*

 
My second fear is the aforementioned white space on the paper. This fear is something I struggle with daily. And it goes beyond the white paper. This fear can and does sometimes cripple me. Someone gave me the perfect cure and I try to follow it religiously... Except when I feel crippled by it and then no amount of cures - perfect or not can help me. But the cure that this person gave me works. And the cure is as follows: write for 25 minutes "bad writing." Do not focus on being good, just write. Meaning taking action will cure inaction. It sounds so simple. And when it is put into practice it is simple. It is just not so simple to actualize it.

 
*I take action when I can  because Action cures inaction*

 
My last fear can be called a fear of failure, but it is also a fear of success. A fear of change. A fear of commitment, to myself and others. A fear of being the best that  I possibly can. A fear of dazzling everyone with my light....or not dazzling everyone with my light. This one is a biggy. As it literally dictates how I live  my life. It dictates to me who I am,what I do, where I go, when things get done...or not, it dictates the how and even more important it dictates the "why" the story that I tell myself. The story that I believe and live my life accordingly. This fear takes courage. Courage of the mind to open it up and unpack it for what it really is. It is the commitment to show up for myself. And look at myself honestly, openly and uncritically. When I show up, I am proving to myself . That I am trust worthy. And deserving, capable and competent. I have integrity and goodness.  If I make a promise or commitment to myself I will keep it. Again, I don't always but I have learnt that if I keep showing up for myself and stick out my commitments to myself no matter what,  the story that I tell myself about who I am changes.

 
*I keep showing up for myself and this helps me to move forward and push through the obstacles and the static*.

 
These are 3 of my many  fears and how I deal with them. Again I'm not always successful, but I keep trying. I would love to hear about your fears and what helps you cope.
Till next week when I unpack 3 of my many  struggles
Tova

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